Bruce Kell Designs

We had been married for upwards of a month
when I fell asleep on the barroom floor
When I got home Lois give me hell and informed me
she don't allow it anymore

No Lois don't allow it anymore, Lois don't allow it anymore
There'll be no more drinking no more barrooms cause
Lois don't allow it anymore

Used to be if Bubba said "Let's go fishin'."
I"d foller him right out the stinkin' door
We'd stay up all night drinking Turkey, chewin' skol but
Lois don't allow itanymore

Lois don't allow it anymore, no, Lois don't allow it anymore
There'll be no more fishin' no more Skol cause
Lois don't allow it anymore

Used to be of a Saturdee I'd plop down front of the TV
drink PBR and listen to the score
Nowdays I mostly only watch the 700 Club cause
Lois don't allow it anymore

Lois don't allow it anymore, no Lois don't allow it anymore
No more basketball no more PBR cause
Lois don't allow it anymore

Well I'm havin' me a big party tonight
with ten dollar moonshine and a twelve dollar whore (fancy cowgirls galore)
and it really doesn't matter what Lois thinks about it cause
Lois doesn"t live here anymore

No Lois doesn't live here anymore no
Lois doesn't live here anymore
It really doesn't matter what Lois thinks about it cause
That bitch doesn't live here anymore

FRANCIS AND CHARLEY

Francis she was 79 she was nearly enough completely blind
but sh You're so lovely and you're so fat
you're a four hundred pounder
You're all of that
when you walk around, your tits touch the ground
You're the fattest momma in all Bedford town

When I see your little pink feet
when I touch your jowls
when I see the quiver of your fatback
I lay open my piehole and howl

You're a grade A hog if ever there was one
You're a whole winter's worth of meat
you'll fill up my freezer when you are done
and I know that your chops will taste sweet.

FAMILY VALUES

Well my uncle Daddy Buford and my second cousin twice removed
went out catfishin one night
My half brother Bubba thought they was robbin his trot lines
and they all got into a turrible fight
Buford bit the tip offa Bubba's nose
and washed it down with Charley's homemade wine
Possum and Birddog kicked him in the groin
and hit my cousin with the watermelon rind.

Then we all got drunk on Charley's homemade wine
and slayed the catfish by the light of the moonshine
and everybody ended up havin a good time
Oh I love that family of mine

Now JimBob said that Lois said that ThelmaLou told me to tell you
That Grandpa saw you both last night behind the barn with Betty Sue
Well Daisy caught Betty Sue a runnin and whupped her with a switch
and made her promise that she'd leave you alone and quit being such a bitch

chorus

I remember the time the VFD served beans at the annual fish fry
It got so bad the buzzards started circlin' I thought that I might die
Luke claimed his'n was the loudest,
whereas Ferd allowed how his'n smelt the best
There was cussin' and fightin' and maybe some sex
and you know what happened next

chorus

LIVIN' IN LARRY

When I was 21 and didn't know any better
I took a trip out west
to see what all the fussin' was about
I saw snow capped mountains and shinin' seas
hordes of blonde ladies and giant redwood trees
Nothing in particular caught my fancy
I see no reason to ever again leave Larry County

and I love livin' in Larry county
Everyone's some relation to me
I love living Larry County
I recognize everything I see

I got a piece of God's greatest creation
smack dab on the edge of Salt Creek
I got a bird dog named Masie and a four wheeler pick up truck
and by Gum that's good enough for me

chorus

We got the largest limestone quarry ere dug in the ground
We got the best 6th grade basketball player anywhere around
We got a hunk of mastadon jawbone that my great uncle Horace found
and the 1986 state champion bluetick hound
You can go outside in your backyard naked and fire off your shotgun
and the neighbors figure its just your way of havin' fun
And as long as you keep your still out of sight it ain't the business of anyone
'cept them that might like to purchase some squeezin's from your latest run

and I love living in Larry County
and being a member of the VFD
Yes I love living in Larry County
Its the onliest place for me

COLD WOMEN AND WARM BEER

Somehow I got to get outta here
I can't help it I'm stuck in my chair
Lookin' at cold women and Drinking warm beer
Didn't Mary Jane tell me she'd get me outta here
and take me back to her place
But then she slipped off into the ladies room
and disappeared without a trace and I'm
Stuck out here Drinking warm beer
when I should be in there having a good time
I can't help it It's not my fault I'm stuck in my chair
Lookin' at cold women and drinkin' warm beer

And all I ever wanted was a woman who
would treat me as good as good as my momma used to
The good times lasted til I was nearly two
That sweet brown nozzle would come a poppin' through
cold women and warm beer somebody please get me outta here I can't
help it its not my fault I'm stuck here in my chair
Lookin' at cold women and drinkin' warm beer I said
lookin' at ice cold women and drinkin' pee warm beer.

I'M SORRY, I FORGOT

I remember the beer keg I remember the barmaid's hand
I remember falling off my stool I remember trying to stand
I remembered that you left me that you went away
And I remembered exactly the right thing for me to say
But then I forgot
I'm sorry I forgot
What can I say I forgot

(musical interlude)

I remembered your birthday, Our anniversaries
I remembered to take the garbage out I remembered the groceries
I remembered everything you said and you said quite a lot
But then I went to get a beer and somehow I forgot
I'm sorry I forgot
What can I say I forgot
So sue me I forgot (shit)

LEER

Well officer, ya see it was like this.

It was just after dark, one random Thursday night
I was sittin on my back deck enjoyin a beer
Sittin on my back deck enjoyin a beer
Talkin to Brian on the phone.

When a light come on in my neighbor's bedroom window
Caught my eye, made me look over there
It wasn't my fault I's just enjoying a beer , til I looked over there and I said
Damn Brian I just seen pubic hair.
She was prancing round her bedroom stark naked bare and I said
Damn Brian I just seen pubic hair.

So I ducked down low behind the deck handrail
Then I said "Damn Brian I just seen tail."
She wiggled and she waggled across my field of view
I tell you ossifer I seen a thing or two
I was kinda shook, had to get a fresh beer
And while I was inside�I got my binoculeers

You know the very next night as the sun went down
I was out on the deck had my chair turned around
Beer in my hand binocs by my side
Had my lights turned off but I wasn't trying to hide
It ain't against the law for a feller to sit
Out on his back deck with a beer
And if he get lucky and sees a bit a tit
There ain't no need � to call an officer

From where I sit see looked might nice
Tell her quit advertisin or sell the merchandise
I'm right over here, I got a fresh beer
And if she's gonna run around nekkid I'm gonna leer.

DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME

People say you must regret the hours wasted on your TV set
the times in your life not spent in productive living
Well don't tell me what I have to do
think I'll kick back and have a few and listen to the sound of my hair growing

What makes it a religious sight if some holy guy sits still through the night
without a twitch or a motion
yet if I pass out in front of the set a ration of grief is all I'll get
don't ask me I've not the slightest motion

Don't waste your time trying to win cause there's no pay off in the end
do what you do because it's important to you

The sixteenth Earl and the 23rd Duke the Duchess and the Grand Marquee
have all been dead 500 years they're as dead as dead can be
it doesn't matter to you and it really doesn't matter to me
how glorious they thought that their lives were how magnificent their nobility

Now don't misunderstand me I'm not trying to say
I think you should just screw around all day
and ignore the necessities of your existance
and don't forget about the future too and all the things that you have to do
to get the most out of your chance in this dance

But don't waste your time trying to win
there's no pay off in the end
do what you do because It's important to you

THE COSMIC POKER GAME

Do you believe that Hannibal crossed the mountains with elephants
Do you believe that the citizens beheaded the King of France
Do you believe in Julius Ceasar do you believe in Socrates?
Do you believe in Jesus Christ and his poker expertise

Well I believe that Jesus is buddies with Buddha
And they play poker with Confucious every Saturday night
But nobody has much luck at bluffing
cause they all see the cards with a clear divine light

Confucious boated, Buddha busted and Jesus had Aces
Shiva had a straight flush but he showed on his faces
Then the big man himself blew the game wide apart
Now they're all back on earth trying to win your heart

LUCYLAND (From a Dream)

One complete instrumental verse

Lived there in Lucyland for a while
Used to go out everynight and smile and if
I could remember what I've seen
I wouldn't be scared of this dream

Restless days of purple haze
Lost confused and amazed
Living on the dark side of the moon
Whole lives in an afternoon

One instrumental verse

Repeat first verse

ANTHEM FOR AN OMNIVORE

At some particular moment
a miracle occurs
and a life force is placed inside a seed
and in favorable conditions
a body is formed
and tendrils reach out to meet its needs

and then an organism
places values on a scale
according to the things it might perceive
Well that lifeforce miracle
is hard to deny
its one thing in which I believe

and at some particular moment
conditions are not good
for that body's continued survival
and not all of science
not all of spirit
can result in that carrot's revival

does a dog have more intrinsic value
than this seed
is a redwood worth more than a turkey
Do humans have a mandate
to conquer all they see
these things are not so evident to me

LEO

Leo my friend my good friend its like you never left when I see you again
Leo my friend my good friend its like you never left when I see you again

Everything changes even me
the world's not the same world it used to be
Seems like a long time a fantasy
when we were young and slightly crazy

Leo my friend my good friend its like you never left when I see you again
Leo my friend my good friend its like you never left when I see you again

We shared some high times we shared some low
Went into places they told us not to go
Laughed and cried made the juices flow
We learned some things we probably shouldn't know

Leo my friend my good friend its like you never left when I see you again
Leo my friend my good friend its like you never left when I see you again

Hiway 69 Revisited

If you owned a road construction company
And had all those bulldozers and employees
And the government planned to spend a billion dollars or two
You'd probably say "sounds good to me it sounds good to you"

Yes all the good people itching to make their bucks
Can't wait to heat the sound of ten thousand semi trucks
Yes all those good people say "progress you can't deny"
I think that they're just looking for a bigger piece of the pie

They say we will never get out very own Cracker Barrel
Until we got an Interstate running straight to Hell
They say a brand new highway will bring jobs to Green County
But working at a truck stop don't sound that good to me

Yes all the good people itching to make their bucks
They can't wait to hear the sound of Mexican semi trucks
Yes all those good people say "progress can't be denied"
But I would not feel too good if I hadn't even tried

They say we can cut a few minutes off the trip to Evansville
But if that's where we're headed I'd just as soon be standing still
They say Hiway69 will ensure our city thrives
I say we'll smother in asphalt and the smog will hurt our eyes

Yes all the good people itching to make their bucks
They can't wait to hear the sound of ten thousand Mexican trucks
Yes all those good people say "progress can't be denied
But their idea of progress is my idea of dying.

Siamese Souls

Another time another place
maybe it was on another planet
I recognize your mind but mot your face
The pieces of our souls just seem to fit

We were siamese souls twisted and twined
Then cut apart like a knife
What is the purpose what is the point
In spotting you across a crowded life

I'll look for you early the next time around
I'll search for your aura
I'll listen closely for your spirit sound
I'll find you in the aurora

Grunion Run

Along about midnight
During the Grunion Run
The campfire flames licked the Southern Sky
And you threw cherry bombs into the waves
You threw cherry bombs into the waves

Well I was wishing I was the Southern Sky
And you were the stored sun of ten thousand days
But all you wanted was to slaughter some smelt
And run me through a maze
Yeah run me, baby, I'm amazed

Mayor

Well I planned to run for mayor I was so excited
I thought of all the good things that I could do
But when I went down to the courthouse to file my candidacy
They said "you can't be mayor unless you live in the city."
You can't be mayor unless you live in the city

Well the first plank of my platform would be to remove the traffic humps
That they put in just to make first street a drag
And grind them up and throw in some tar and fill some big potholes
And take what was left and buld a skateboard ramp

And then I"d put some trees back on Kirkwood
I mean some real trees not ornamental plums
And then I'd tell the school administrators to get back to work
Teachin' third graders their sums

I see no reason why we can't have a nude beach
Out around the bend at Griffy Reservoir
If it was up to me we'd also have one at Belmont Lake
Cause I happen to believe its better if we have more

Well I would not build a new prison to put teenagers in
For twenty million dollars I'd say that qualifies as a sin
When there's so little money being spent for simple basic things
And so many ways to improve the mess we're in
No one would be hungry in Bloomington
No child would go to bed without a meal
No one would steal bicycles cause we'd give them away
We'd save our money not buying all that prison steel

Well I planned to run for mayor I got so excited
I thought of all the fantastic things that I could do
But when I went down to the courthouse to file my candidacy they told me
"You can't be mayor unless you live in the city
You can't be mayor unless you live in the city."

Snapper Somewhere in the thick weeds the snapping turtle lays
Snuggled in the ooze Lord of all he surveys
Lord of all that he surveys
Lord of all that he surveys

The little fish swims by I see he has no tail
Do you think he knows it's the end of the trail
End of the trail the end of the trail
End of the trail the end of the trail

When the autumn came and the lilly pads died back
I found that all the fish were gone mistaken for a snack
All the fish were gone mistaken for a snack
All the fish were gone mistaken for a snack

The snapper's migrated on now but I know he will be back
I'm looking for a turtle soup recipe and planning my attack
Lookin' for a turtle soup recipe and planning my attack
Lookin' for a recipe and planning my attack

DUCKWALKING WOMAN

Duckwalkin' woman you know what you've got
I'm between stones and a real hard spot
You point those feet like you know how it be
Duckwalkin' woman what you're doing to me

Repeat chord sequence (chant "Knew I was a footman" during first 2 measures before verse)

Verse:

You knew I was a footman when you met me
That's why I got that Mason shoe franchise
Yet you acted so shocked and surprised
When you found my piggies wedged between your thighs.

Repeat first verse

End on Em

EVERYBODY'S SOMEBODY'S WIERDO

Everybody's somebody's wierdo
And baby you're that wierdo to me
Normal is a setting on a washing machine
And I'm as crazy as can be

Instrumental verse

You think that I think that you're mighty strange
It's just your view of what you see
But everybody's somebody's wierdo
And you're as weird as can be

Instrumental verse

Sometimes the things you do seem unusual to me
I don't see the things that you seem to see
I don't understand how you perceive reality
You really are quite a mystery

Instrumental verse

Repeat first verse

EIGHTEEN WHEELS

I got 18 wheels and a mobile home
I got diesel in my blood I was born to roam
Gotta have wheels under me
I' m a rolling mothertrucker from Tennessee
He's a rolling mothertrucker from Tennessee

Well I learned truckin on my Daddy's knee
Been handlin a rig since I was three
Love my Peterbilt if you wanna love me
That's the way its always been that's the way its gonna be
That's the way it's always been that's the way its gonna be

Hit the open road Love the big sky
Put a tape in the deck don't even ask why
Watching the billboards whizzing by
If I couldn't go truckin I'd break down and cry
If he couldn't go truckin he'd breakdown and cry

Break down

Instrumental verse

Repeat first verse

SMALLER FEET by Bruce Kell

This is a song about ladies' feet
It's also about life in general
And Bloomington in particular

Bloomington in particular x3
Though I guess it could have been anyplace

There she goes walking down the line
Looks so good looks so fine
I was wishing that we could meet
And wishing she had smaller feet

Wishing that .. we could meet x 3
And wishing she had smaller feet

Sally got fat Frank died young
Jeannie and Maureen disappeared
Ted grew up became a Republican
Got a pot belly and lost his hair

Pot belly . Lost his hair x 3
That's what he gets for being so square

They cut down all the trees on Kirkwood
They made shateboarding a crime
You can't go skinnydipping in the lakes anymore
I think they're just trying to ruin a good time

Think they're trying .. to ruin a good time x 3
And I'm in the middle of my good timing prime.

WHITE BOY BLUES

The weed wacker is broken the lawnmower's out of gas
The service don't come til Thursday how can I cut the grass
I got the blues the white boy blues
I felt so low down mean and dirty I threw my coke across the lawn

The barbeque grill's all rusty the wire brush is lost
The tank is out of propane and the chicken's on defrost
I got the blues the middleclass suburban blues
I felt so low down mean and dirty I forgot to pay my country club dues

There's something wrong with my satallite I just can't get the picture right
I tried all the adjustment knobs and the contrast is still too light
I got the blue's you think I ain't got problems too
I felt so low down mean and dirty I scuffed up my Gucci shoes.

OPEN A A (open on 5th) E7 (on 7th) x3 D7C#7C7B7E7 Repeat above F#m C#M X3 Bm E7 Repeat entire sequence A E7 X3 D7C#7C7B7E7 F#M F C / F#M F / F#M F C / DM EM Aaug AM X3 Caug Am F#m F C / F#M F / F#M F C DM EM A7 E7 X3 D7C#7C7B7E7 MOMENTARILY By Bruce Kell Momentarily it would feel real good It would be all I could desire But could I keep it up for the rest of my life Keep taking it higher I open one more beer than I should I have french fries and a shake (a chocolate shake) A shot of Tequila and a cigarette push my body til I think it might break AH Momentarily it would feel real good It would be all I could desire But could I keep it up for the rest of my life Keep taking it higher Screw that lousy job I think I'll stay in bed Grab some extra Z's Then I'll sell all my junk put my dog in my car And move on down to Belize Momentarily it would feel real good It would be all I could desire But could I keep it up for the rest of my life Keep taking it higher What if sweet Candy stopped by my table On her way back from the ladies room And made me an offer I couldn't refuse To help me out of my funky gloom ah Momentarily it would feel real good It would be all I could desire But could I keep it up for the rest of my life Keep taking it higher

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